


missed me.

by jumpforjo



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Study, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Despair Era (Dangan Ronpa), Enoshima Junko Being Enoshima Junko, Grooming, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other, Power Imbalance, Pre-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), this is the lead up to servant and covering the kirigiri execution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:48:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29099799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumpforjo/pseuds/jumpforjo
Summary: headmaster kirigiri has such a kind smile. such kind eyes. he listens when nagito speaks, attention rapt, and it makes a light pink flush bloom over nagito’s cheeks. how could someone like him deserve a smile like that from the headmaster of hope’s peak?or, komaeda nagito and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.
Relationships: Kirigiri Jin/Komaeda Nagito, cups hands around mouth: it's abuse and not romanticized, implied Komaeda Nagito/Kamukura Izuru
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	missed me.

**Author's Note:**

> please please please heed the warnings! 
> 
> additional/explicit warnings for those who may need them: sexual abuse/grooming from kirigiri, descriptions of dissociation and panic attacks, abuse/manipulation from kirigiri and enoshima, reference to the mutual killing video, kirigiri's execution.
> 
> this fic was inspired by a godawful mix of 'missed me' by the dresden dolls and my own trauma and spending too much time thinking about nagito komaeda. if you think anything in this fic is depicted as a good thing: seek therapy. if any of this is content you know upsets you, please do not read this.

enoshima-san tells him she has a special job for him - lowly servant though he is. her smile is saccharine as always, one disgusting, long, bright red nail trailing his jaw to his chin to tilt it up to look in her piercing, fake blue eyes. she assures him he’s the only one that could  _ possibly _ help her with it. 

it makes him tremble when she addresses him this way, makes his vision swim as she presses a wet kiss to his cheek, her lipstick smearing against his skin. he isn’t sure he will ever feel clean again.

* * *

the administrative board of hope’s peak takes an intense interest in him. they’re studying luck, they tell him, as a talent. and here he was thinking it was nothing but a title! getting to be of use to something so important feels like a dream come true. 

there are three men seated around him, scribbling down his every word and then some as the headmaster asks him questions. about his luck, his life. 

headmaster kirigiri has such a kind smile. such kind eyes. he listens when nagito speaks, attention rapt, and it makes a light pink flush bloom over nagito’s cheeks. how could someone like him deserve a smile like that from the headmaster of hope’s peak? it sears its way into his brain. at some point, he doesn’t even register the other men anymore, enraptured by the light purpley grey of the headmaster’s eyes. what a peculiar color. it’s gorgeous. 

when the interview wraps up, he’s disappointed, but he thanks them all for their time. his eyes never leave the headmaster, and the headmaster’s eyes hold his gaze with warmth and interest. intrigue. respect. something hidden that nagito can’t place, but that he desperately wishes to find out.

and  _ oh  _ how wonderful! just before he goes, the headmaster tells him he looks forward to the next time he speaks with nagito. 

he walks away, arms clutching at himself, trembling, still thinking about the headmaster’s smile. 

* * *

kamukura-kun looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. despite the sour look on his face, he truly is so handsome. his hair pools around him, long and dark, like it could swallow nagito whole, and god nagito wants nothing more than to be swallowed whole by someone like kamukura-kun. 

finally, his gaze turns away to survey the room. enoshima-san has abandoned his side instead to giggle and throw herself all over souda-kun, whose face is just about as pink as his hair as she does. he seems proud, at least by his body language. it seems he’s explaining his mechanism to enoshima-san. whether or not she’s listening is a… separate question. eyes following souda-kun’s gestures, he looks to the center of the room - there’s a giant rocket, no doubt styled to enoshima-san’s tastes. 

across the room, just behind the rocket, there’s someone slumped unconscious.

“how much longer is this going to take, enoshima?” kamukura-kun’s voice rings across the room, and enoshima-san’s smile immediately sours. 

“can’t you tell i’m  _ busy _ ? souda is explaining how this whole thing works! we’re on our own schedule here, izuru-chan! so stop being so impatient!” she sticks her tongue out at him, before going back to hanging off of souda-kun.

* * *

nagito can’t stop thinking about kirigiri-sensei’s kind, kind smile. can’t stop thinking about how low his voice was, telling nagito he’s  _ special  _ \- reassuring him every time he insisted someone like him really wasn’t. can’t stop thinking about the peculiar color of his eyes. about the short crop of his dark hair - is it soft? about the purple of his tie, about the way his suit is just slightly ill-fitted in a way that’s charming. about the way kirigiri-sensei wants to see him again. 

should nagito wait to be summoned? should he just show up?

the prospect is just so exciting! what more could kirigiri-sensei want with him? it fills his mind with possibility after possibility. all he’s ever wanted is to be a stepping stone to hope - to aid it in flourishing. anything kirigiri-sensei asks of him, he will deliver to the best of his abilities, though he can’t imagine what someone like him could have to offer.

that is until later that night when he’s alone in his dorm room, breath catching in his throat, eyes closed. he’s thinking about kirigiri-sensei’s voice again, low, almost a whisper. he’s thinking about it right next to his ear. he’s thinking about the way kirigiri-sensei laid a hand on his shoulder, how he felt the warmth of it through the thin fabric of his uniform shirt. he’s thinking about that hand directly on his skin, roaming. 

his eyes snap open. what filthy, filthy thoughts. he’s unworthy to have them, not about someone as incredible as kirigiri sensei. 

that alone isn’t enough to relieve the heat in the pit of his stomach that won’t allow him to sleep. 

finally, he supposes trash like him should be expected to be so weak. he shimmies out of his boxers, heart thudding in his chest. he thinks about how he could lend his body to the headmaster of hope’s peak academy.

it’s the best orgasm he’s ever had. 

* * *

“servant!” enoshima-san calls, waving obnoxiously. “pay more attention, seriously! ugh, are you even trying?” before nagito can stammer out an apology, she’s continuing. “come here! i have something for you - it’s super important. part of your special job!”

he blinks owlishly a few times before making his way over. “ah, my apologies, enoshima-san! i’m not sure what someone like me has to contribute, but i’m honored to help in your plans.” and he looks forward to seeing them crash down. “what could you possibly need trash like me for? something special?” the word special sets something off in him like a pinball. special special special. somehow he feels honored and nauseated.

“you talk too much, servant.” enoshima-san rolls her eyes before her glare gives immediate way to a bright smile. “anyway! here you go!” she holds out a long, familiar piece of purple fabric. a tie. a purple tie. 

his eyebrows draw together as he takes it. the smell wafting off of it sending a chill down his spine. for once, he’s speechless.

“so in like, an hour, mr. headmaster is gonna go blasting off! but for that real  _ despair _ effect, we want  _ you _ to blindfold him, since you’re like, his favorite!” she giggles, flashing a peace sign. “kamukura-kun and souda will get him all set up and tied down so no worries there!”

blindfold… kirigiri-sensei. right. his execution. the killing school life will start soon. he knew this was going to happen. he didn’t think he was important enough to be involved, but he shouldn’t have underestimated enoshima-san’s breadth of information. 

how awful. how wonderful. 

how romantic, that the last face kirigiri-sensei sees will be nagito’s. 

* * *

it takes a few weeks until nagito runs into kirigiri-sensei by chance, just off the side of campus on his evening snack break. 

this vending machine is nagito’s favorite, and a sure way to find him if he’s seemingly disappeared, and just about every evening after classes wrap up for the day. it tends to favor his good luck - especially today! there’s a  _ ding _ and a little tune as it dispenses two of the soda he wanted, and a little prize keychain. it’s a cute mascot type character. perhaps pekoyama-san would like it. 

“how incredible to see it in action.” nagito jumps a little, caught off guard. “oh! my apologies. i didn’t mean to startle you.” kirigiri-sensei’s voice is warm and amicable. nagito wonders how long he’s been standing there. 

“ah, kirigiri-sensei!” the excitement in his voice is palpable, eyes practically starry. “that’s truly such a minor instance, i apologize you had to witness something so insignificant! i assure you there are more interesting aspects to my luck.” instantly his cheeks color, unprepared for the sudden encounter. “u-um, i don’t know what you normally get, but this seems like too good of a coincidence. i really don’t need two drinks!” without further ado, nagito holds out one of the sodas - strawberry flavored. 

“talent lies in nuance, komaeda-kun.” kirigiri-sensei’s smile is so  _ kind _ . so inviting. just for nagito. “something does not have to be flashy to be of value. and with something as fickle as luck, even small instances are quite something.” nagito’s cheeks burn redder. kirigiri-sensei looks… handsome in the evening light. and he’s saying such sweet things. 

kirigiri-sensei takes the drink from his hand, fingers brushing nagito’s, and it feels like all the air has been poached directly from his lungs. how lucky he is!

“thank you for this. would you care to enjoy these together?”

“y-yes! of course, kirigiri-sensei. i’m honored that you would spend time with someone like me.” his fingers still burn where they brushed kirigiri-sensei’s. 

“no need to be so formal.” something crosses his expression, something nagito can’t place. “especially when we aren’t on campus. i see you as my equal, komaeda-kun.” another flash over his features. 

“if you truly wish me to, it’s no trouble!” he scrambles to answer. “ah - kirigiri...kun?” it still feel strange in his mouth, and his expression must say it plainly with the way kirigiri-sensei laughs. 

“only if you’re comfortable with it, of course. but you may use my given name if you’d like.” nagito squints. it must be the orange of the evening light - that’s the only explanation for the rising pink on kirigiri-sensei’s features. but he can’t focus on it - not when he feels so  _ special _ . not when kirigiri-sensei wants someone like nagito to use his given name. what an honor!

it occurs to him that he doesn’t know the last time he’s used someone’s given name, let alone been given permission to. 

“jin…” pride wells up inside him, grinning at kirigiri-sensei. “you may use my given name as well! though i don’t blame you if you don’t want to lower yourself like that.” a nervous laugh, almost euphoric, bubbles up from his throat as his arms wrap around himself. “ah, that was such a selfish request! i truly don’t know my place sometimes.” he glances at kirigiri-sensei, expecting disgust, but instead it’s the same  _ kindness  _ he’s been met with since the beginning. 

“you have a lovely given name, nagito.” is all jin says, and it feels like all his worries melt away. “unfortunately, however, i only get short breaks, and have things to get back to. but your company is much appreciated, nagito.” he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a scrap of paper and a pen, scribbling something there. “this is my personal number. don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything - even just company, alright?” another wonderful, lovely, kind smile. nagito is dizzy with it. 

“you’re so generous, kiri- ah, jin!” his heart is thundering in his chest. how special he must be, and what luck! to have kirigiri-sensei’s personal number. while he trembles, no doubt a little wild eyed staring at the paper, kirigiri-sensei pats his thigh, hand lingering for a moment too long, the contact so warm it burns. 

“i look forward to hearing from you, nagito.” is all he says before nagito’s thigh feels ice cold, and kirigiri-sensei is walking away, back towards the school.

* * *

“i still don’t understand why we’re waiting.” kamukura-kun repeats. his words seem to fall on deaf ears as junko giggles on the phone with someone or other. 

nagito sits next to him - the  _ ultimate hope _ \- quietly. the tie is pooled in his lap. across the room, kirigiri-sensei hasn’t stirred. what on earth did ikusaba-san do to him? maybe, on second thought, he’d rather leave that question unanswered. 

several minutes later, enoshima-san’s phone snaps closed, and she rounds on kamukura-kun before her demeanor goes downcast.

“i really wish you would enjoy this, izuru-chan…” her fingers comb through the end of her pigtail as if worried. “it just wouldn’t be very fun if mr. headmaster was still asleep, y’know…” she toes at the ground another moment before she’s exploding with energy. “i’m a stickler for the details, izuru-chan! you know me! so just be patient, it’s going to be so worth it. i’m going to blow your  _ mind _ !” a wide, feral grin spreads over her lips. “plus, if you don’t stay,” disinterest again, annoyance as she examines her nails, “i won’t have anywhere to sit!” 

* * *

the whole of nagito’s afternoon passes in a haze. the paper from kirigiri-sensei burns a hole in his pocket. it makes his heart swell in his chest, to be considered important and trustworthy enough for such information. how incredible!

he forgets dinner, even, instead pacing around his room, almost wild, too much energy buzzing under his skin. 

there’s nothing he wants more than to simply send kirigiri-sensei a text! but what should it say? just giving him nagito’s number? letting him know when he’s available? asking if work is treating him well? he groans, sinking to the floor, fingers digging into his scalp and pulling at his hair. why can’t he be normal? why can’t this be easy? why can’t he simply have something good?

finally, he glances at the time. it’s almost midnight. 

how many hours did he lose to this..? he really is so pathetic.

with heavy limbs, he strips to his boxers and crawls into bed, still staring at the screen of his phone. tired enough, he decides that agonizing won’t change anything, and he may as well send something off. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
hello, jin! ahaha, i hope it’s still okay to call you that over text! :) um, this is komaeda nagito. it seemed unfair for me to have your number and you not have mine. thank you for spending time with me today, i truly enjoyed it. 

sweet, simple, to the point. he can’t even bring himself to be ashamed of the ungodly hour it’s sent at. just as he turns to go to sleep, his phone buzzes, and he reaches for it, bleary eyed. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
Nagito… what a pleasant surprise. I was just thinking about you as well. :) Would you happen to be free tomorrow? I have nothing but deskwork, so I should be in my office all day. It gets quite lonely, to be honest with you. Your company would brighten things up. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
ah… you were?

my apologies, how inappropriate of me to ask! um, attendance isn’t mandatory, and i’m sure yukizome-sensei will understand if i miss some time for someone as important as you!

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Nagito. Yes, I was. If you’re sure you don’t mind missing class, I am well aware of our attendance policies. However, I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to Yukizome-san. She can be a bit intense, as I’m sure you know!

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
haha, you are truly too kind to someone like me! i haven’t been sleeping terribly well lately, so i think i could use a day to myself anyway. i’ll let yukizome-sensei know i’m not feeling well and take a day to sleep in. then i should have plenty of time to come see you! ahaha i hope that isn’t presumptuous, i don’t want to overstay my welcome!

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
I’m sorry to hear about your sleep. Maybe we can talk about it and relieve some stress to help with that. I would love to have you as long as you’d like to stay. :) I’m turning in for the night, but I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, Nagito. Sweet dreams. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
goodnight, jin! :)

* * *

the couch dips as enoshima-san sits next to nagito, leaning on him, chin propped on his shoulder. her sappy, sweet perfume is welcome for the first time as it masks the scent he’s all too aware of on the tie. still, she’s much further in his personal space than he’d like her to be. 

“if i knew you were gonna be such a  _ downer _ i would have waited to give you the tie.” she grouses, and nagito feels his spine stiffen. “it’s like, not even despair! it’s just depressing” her fingers trail over him, and his stomach churns. he hates her. he loves her. he wants her to get  _ off _ and never stop touching him all at once. she’s so - she’s so fucking  _ addicting _ . 

“ahaha, my apologies, enoshima-san! i was simply caught off guard is all.” nagito plasters a smile on as she pouts at him. 

“what do you need to lift your spirits, bunny-chan?” she asks, pressing a sticky, lip gloss studded kiss to the corner of his mouth.  _ for her to get off of him _ . 

“really, don’t waste energy worrying over someone like me! i’ll try to brighten up. there’s nothing but glimmering hope after something awful like this.” enoshima-san scoffs, but her grin is wide.

“yeah, yeah. hope this, hope that, hope ya learn to shut up someday!” she shoves his side, almost playful if he didn’t know her so well. “lighten up! or at least, like, cry your eyes out or something. you’re just sitting here all,” enoshima-san pauses, letting her shoulders slump, staring at the ground with a dead expression. “you’re like an uglier kamukura-kun!”

she’s really getting on his nerves today. 

“i don’t know what you expected from someone like me.” his fingers tighten in the fabric of the tie, and of course that doesn’t get past enoshima-san, her grin sharp as a knife. 

“you’re not gonna, like, choke him out or something are you? souda would be soooo sad, he worked, like,  _ really _ hard on this whole set up.” she’s back to barely acknowledging him, instead examining her nails wistfully. “like, seriously, that would be a buzzkill.” 

“no. i wouldn’t do that.” is all he gives her, tone clipped. 

suddenly, one of her nails is dragging up his throat to the tip of his chin. 

“good boy.” and with that she plants one more kiss on him - properly this time - leaving his lips feeling sticky and grimy even after he’s wiped his sleeve over them. 

* * *

“good boy.” the words fall sickly sweet on nagito’s ears as he gasps, clutching at kirigiri-sensei’s shoulders. it’s not as good in actuality as it was in his fantasies, but that’s what he gets for indulging such filthy thoughts and desires. this isn’t for him anyway, this is the least he can do for the headmaster of hope’s peak academy. 

the door to the office is locked, it has been since nagito arrived. kirigiri-sensei assured him he just didn’t want them to be interrupted, and as he is now, he supposes this was the plan from the start. 

“a-ah - nagito-“ kirigiri-sensei gasps his name, and nagito knows in that moment that he isn’t going to keep his promise. there were no condoms and kirigiri-sensei  _ promised _ he’d pull out before he came. and yet all nagito can do is clutch at his shoulders as his hips snap up with a gasped apology and he spills inside of nagito. 

truth be told, he’s a little annoyed. if this is how kirigiri-sensei wants him, then he’s happy to be of service, but he should simply be up front with it. 

“sorry - sorry.” kirigiri-sensei repeats between panting breaths. “let me make it up to you,” is all the warning nagito gets before he’s hoisted onto the desk, and kirigiri-sensei is slipping from his office chair to his knees. his mouth is on nagito without further ado, and nagito doesn’t understand why. he isn’t going to deny gifts he’s given, though. it’s sloppy, but at least nagito gets off. 

afterwards, he feels hazy, and a bit empty. a bit distant. kirigiri-sensei assures him it’s nothing to worry about, and holds him against his chest. nagito curls into the comfort, and tries to ignore the way it feels to have kirigiri-sensei’s come dripping out of him.

finally, he lifts himself from kirigiri-sensei’s lap, dressing himself in silence. 

“nagito.” his voice is so soft. seems so full of affection. nagito feels silly for not being more grateful. “i hope you sleep well tonight.” 

the smile nagito returns is plastic. “thank you, jin. i think i will.” 

on his way back to his dorm, he can smell hanamura-kun making one of his favorites for dinner. it does wonders for his lack of appetite.

* * *

it seems like an eternity until kirigiri-sensei stirs. somehow, even more dread drops in the pit of nagito’s stomach. 

“he’s awake!” enoshima-san squeals, dancing over. “come here souda!! you too kamukura-kun! you’re up!” kamukura-kun gets up from the couch with a sigh, and souda-kun follows right after. there are confused noises coming from kirigiri-sensei. 

nagito watches, numb, as kamukura-kun and souda-kun hoist the soon to be former headmaster to the rocket. souda-kun kicks at the door and it swings open, revealing a chair. they shove him into it, and kamukura-kun sets about tying his hands behind his back. 

kirigiri-sensei looks around blearily, clearly still disoriented. 

“what are you - souda-kun?” recognition seems to spark - then panic. why does nagito like seeing him panic? “kamukura-kun? why? what’s happening?” 

“ugh, my sister is so stupid! she can’t even follow directions.” enoshima-san sighs, idly twirling her hair around her finger. “izuru-chan!” in seconds she’s fully in cute form, hanging off of him with a pout over her lips. “can you get him more awake before we bring bunny-chan in? wouldn’t it just be  _ heartbreaking _ if mr. headmaster was all-“ she stands back, feigning a stumble and making a confused face before she’s right back in place. “yknow?” 

“i could have done that hours ago.” kamukura-kun replies dryly, not bothering to hide his irritation. 

“well  _ sorry _ i thought ikusaba could do something right!” enoshima-san rolls her eyes, flicking her hair over her shoulder. 

“enoshima? what’s happening? where is your class?” kirigiri-sensei sounds marginally more awake, and nagito is frozen in place. 

“can’t you wait your turn? it’s not about you right now! you’ll be star of the show in a minute so shut up already!” enoshima-san places a finger to kirigiri-sensei’s lips, turning her attention back to kamukura-kun. “well, what are you waiting for? get on it! souda - help him.” kamukura-kun glares at her as she strides away to observe them working. 

* * *

nagito sighs, looking down at his wardrobe. he knows he should wear the lacy scrap excuses for undergarments that kirigiri-sensei got just for him. they make him feel pretty, and they’re comfortable, and unquestionably high quality. 

just as he’s about to choose one, there’s a knock at the door and he nearly jumps out of his skin. 

frantically, he shoves the garments into the back of his drawer before scrambling for the door. when he swings it open, yukizome-sensei is on the other side. 

“ah, yukizome-sensei! is everything alright?” his voice is a bit strained as he clutches his door so tightly his knuckles go white. 

“oh, komaeda-kun! i’m so glad you’re here. i’ve been so worried about you.” yukizome-sensei immediately envelops him in a hug, and he feels himself stiffen in her arms. after a moment, though, he relaxes. it’s… nice, actually. 

“i didn’t mean to worry you!” a nervous, unsure laugh leaves him. “i’ve just been a bit under the weather lately. probably just stress! but i’m working on managing it.” a white lie isn’t so bad, right? he’s just helping with the headmaster’s stress, that’s all. it’s all someone like him has to offer - his classmates can sacrifice a few days here or there without him. 

“oh, that’s terrible, komaeda-kun!” he blinks a few times. terrible? is it? “here, i brought you something.” yukizome-sensei rummages in the bag she brought with her for an envelope, and a paper bag. “your classmates made you a card, and they all helped hanamura-kun make some soup since you’ve been out sick.” he takes the package, feeling panic rise in his chest. why did they notice? they weren’t supposed to notice! how could they care about infrequent absences from someone like him? it makes him feel like a burden as well as cherished.

behind him, his phone dings. what time is it? he’s late, it’s probably kirigiri-sensei. 

“they truly are so kind.” his words are rushed as he’s flooded with emotions he can’t identify. “i can’t think of any students more fitted to become symbols of hope! and it’s all thanks to you, yukizome-sensei!” nagito clutches the envelope, wondering what could possibly be contained in a card for someone like him. yukizome-sensei’s smile goes soft. 

“all i do is get you all in the same place.” she replies. “i’m very proud of all of you. your classmates are just worried about you. don’t be afraid to lean on them, komaeda-kun.” her hand comes out and tucks a hair behind his ear tenderly. his phone dings again. “is there anything i can do to help?” and again.

“n-no, i think i’m going to get more sleep. that usually helps. thank you for everything.” yukizome-sensei takes the cue with a sad smile. she looks like she wants to say more, but after a moment she just wishes him well once more and walks away. 

as soon as the door swings shut, nagito is hyperventilating, sliding his back down it until he’s crouched in a ball on the floor. tears prick at the corners of his eyes before spilling over in loud, ugly sobs that rip themselves violently from his chest. he’s never been more grateful for a soundproof room. his fingers come up, gripping and tugging at his hair as he rocks. it’s some kind of tipping point, but he doesn’t even know what he’s crying about. and his phone dings somewhere in the distance again. 

he doesn’t know how much time has passed when he calms enough to breathe more evenly, until his vision isn’t so blurred anymore. his hand shakes as he reaches for where the envelope fell on the ground. inside is a card with a cheesy, colorful cover. inside, it’s dotted with notes and well wishes from his classmates, as well as a handful of pictures taken by koizumi-san of the class together - he’s smiling in all of them. if there were still tears left in him, he’s sure they would spill over again. 

idly, he thinks about eating some of the soup when his phone goes off again, and the panic sets off in him again. 

inelegantly, he stumbles to his bed where his phone is 6 missed messages. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** I brought lunch for you, Nagito, so you don’t need to stop by the dining hall on your way over. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** Did you oversleep? I hope you weren’t up too terribly late. Let me know when you’re on your way. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
Apologies for continuing to bother you, but you know how I am. Are you awake? 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** Are you okay, Nagito? 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** Are you upset with me? 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** Nagito? 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** Please just say something… 

nagito’s blood runs cold in his veins. he knows he’s a fuck up, he’s worthless trash, but how many times must he be reminded? with trembling fingers, he taps out a reply. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** i’m so sorry - so, so sorry. i was getting ready but yukizome-sensei came to check on me since i’ve missed so much class. i know it’s terribly irresponsible of me, i’ll be more discrete in the future. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]** **  
** it just shook me, is all. my classmates made me a card.

immediately, the  _ typing  _ bubble appears. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
What did she ask you? Did you tell her about our involvement? 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
she just asked if i was okay, since i hadn’t been feeling well so often. i told her i’d just been stressed. you didn’t come up. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
Good boy. I’m glad. I’m sorry if I sounded like I don't trust you. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
it’s okay :) 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
Now that she’s gone, will you be heading over soon? 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
yes, i will. 

**[ from - kirigiri jin ]**   
I think purple would look lovely on you. 

**[ to - kirigiri jin ]**   
thank you, jin. see you soon :) 

nagito draws in another deep, shuddering breath. it’s fine. he’s fine. really!

digging in his drawers, he finds the purple lace set, slipping it on. the lace is somehow both soft and itchy, and he hopes kirigiri-sensei actually takes it off of him when he gets to his office. with a deep, shaking breath, he pulls on the rest of his clothes, and leaves his room. 

* * *

the light catches the purple of the tie despite how dim it is. it’s getting close, he knows it is by the way kirigiri-sensei is weeping, quieter now. enoshima-san is texting someone while souda-kun chatters at her. kamukura-kun has returned to take his seat next to nagito, but he hasn’t said anything. he just looks bored. 

nagito’s fingers twist in the fabric, digging into it. 

“are you upset he’s going to die?”

his eyes snap up to kamukura-kun who’s looking at him with a blank expression, eyes piercing right through him. bright and rich and red and gorgeous. he’s so gorgeous. 

“why?” is all nagito replies, eyebrows drawing together. 

“i want to know.” ah. of course. he doesn’t know what else he expected. 

“i don’t know, kamukura-kun.” a soft, desperate, anxious laugh leaves him. “isn’t that funny? don’t you think? i don’t know!” his arms wrap around himself, shoulders slouching in. “imagine the hope that can come from this - that will! the headmaster of hope’s peak academy!”

“you are deflecting.” tone still cool, calm, and collected. 

“ahaha, you would pick up on something like that, wouldn’t you, kamukura-kun?” nagito’s nails dig into his arms, almost painful. “i am just a servant, you know! my feelings are insignificant! someone like me doesn’t deserve a personal stake in grand plans like enoshima-san’s!” 

“i see.” kamukura-kun looks dissatisfied, but his gaze returns to the rocket in the center of the room. 

* * *

chisa’s smile is soft and understanding when she tells him he needs to go to the headmaster’s office, that she’ll meet him there soon. his stomach drops. 

“i know - i know this isn’t ideal, komaeda-kun,” she says, “but i understand. you just care about your classmates. it’s very admirable of you, komaeda-kun. i’m on your side.”

he doesn’t reply beyond a half hearted smile, turning on his heel and walking out of the faculty office. 

kirigiri-sensei hasn’t texted him since the incident - unusual radio silence that puts nagito on edge. he hasn’t even responded to nagito. not even when he took pictures of himself in lewd, compromising positions, sending them just to see if he’d be reprimanded for being too risky. the silence in return made him physically ill as he deleted the pictures and messages, unable to stand seeing them. 

when he gets to the door to the office, he’s so out of it he nearly walks straight into it. instead, he stops just short of the door, stunned for a moment. when did he  _ get _ here?

glancing around, he swears he sees someone just out of the corner of his eye. but no matter how much he keeps looking, he doesn't see anyone. a sigh, maybe his mind is playing tricks on him. maybe it’s the dementia. somehow, that makes him feel better. a symptom like that would surely mean good things are ahead! sometimes kirigiri-sensei is distant when he’s busy - and it’s exam season after all. nagito can only imagine the amount of paperwork his own stunt caused - but he wouldn’t change it for anything. 

cautiously, uncharacteristically meek, he knocks on the door. 

“come in.” kirigiri-sensei sounds tired, and nagito’s heart sinks. he truly is a failure, isn’t he?

he steps inside, the door shutting with a  _ click _ behind him. kirigiri-sensei regards him from his desk, and it’s the smallest nagito has ever felt. slowly, he makes his way to the desk, taking a seat opposite kirigiri-sensei. what should he even  _ say _ ? 

“komaeda-kun,” nagito flinches, “what were you thinking?” his voice is sharp. 

“the exams were unfair.” he’s never been happier to have his convictions in order. “my class was still recovering from the incident, and expecting them to perform under such conditions was inhumane. no one would do anything, so i took into my own hands.” still, nagito’s hands wrap around himself, fingers tugging at the fabric at his elbows.

“do you think you can just do anything? that was not your call to make.” kirigiri-sensei pinches at the bridge of his nose, clearly frustrated. “did you think you could get away with it due to our relationship? you thought you could take advantage of me?”

for a long moment, nagito is quiet. kirigiri-sensei’s words repeat in his mind over and over and over again. advantage of him? nagito. taking advantage of kirigiri-sensei. he can’t wrap his head around it, can’t seem to comprehend how that could even be  _ possible _ . 

something snaps in nagito. 

“i have - i have done  _ nothing _ but be here for your every whim! this - this - this is the  _ first _ thing i’ve done for myself in  _ months _ .” he’s shaking, hands sliding up to grip at his hair. “everything - every single thing has been for you! all i’ve wanted is to be useful for you, to help the hope of our academy grow! and  _ i’m _ taking advantage of  _ you _ ?” tears are pricking at the corners of his eyes, and his voice is getting more and more hysterical. “i have been skipping class, and - and  _ lying _ to yukizome-sensei!” he wipes at his eyes angrily. thinking about how much he’s given up in the past months. “my c-classmates made me a  _ card _ and yukizome-sensei came to check on me and i  _ lied _ to them for you. it was all for  _ you _ . everything - it’s all been for you. b-because you’re the headmaster of hope’s peak! and- and i just want to inspire hope and to be able to do anything for someone like you.” he takes a deep, shuddering breath. “it was the highest honor. and i’m - you think i’m the one taking advantage of you?” the tears spill over properly, a sob pushing forth from his chest. 

when he looks up, kirigiri-sensei’s eyes are cold and stony. he must not like it when his toy talks back. unfortunately for him, nagito isn’t done. 

“you m-made me feel  _ special _ . like someone like me could be  _ worth _ something! like i’d finally found a glimmering hope to foster! t-to help the academy  _ shine _ .” he feels absolutely neurotic. he wants to scrub the skin clear off his body until he’s nothing but bone, until there isn’t a single part of him kirigiri-sensei has touched left. he’s trembling, nails digging harder and harder into his scalp on some distant hope that the pain will ground him. “it’s  _ all _ been for  _ you _ !” he chokes out on another sob. 

before kirigiri-sensei can reply, there’s a knock at the office door. 

kirigiri-sensei hesitates a second, then decides a suspension hearing is reason enough for nagito to be crying. “we will talk about this later.” is all he says, voice low, before telling the visitor to come in. 

nagito doesn’t hear a single word of the discussion. his only grounding is yukizome-sensei’s hand on his back. it burns. he doesn’t want to be touched. not there. not tenderly. not at  _ all _ . but he can’t bring himself to tell her to stop. she cares - really,  _ truly _ cares about him. 

eventually, the other board members file out, followed by kirigiri-sensei. 

yukizome-sensei stays, though. she’s quiet next to him. 

“i’m sorry.” nagito finally manages, finally looking up at her. his eyes are puffy and wet still, and yukizome-sensei’s smile is so concerned. “did… i get suspended?”

“yes, komaeda-kun. you did.” she speaks quietly, brushing a tear from his cheek, only looking more concerned. “only a couple weeks.” 

“oh. okay.” he feels… nothing. how strange. 

“do you need anything?” yukizome-sensei prods again, eyes searching nagito’s face. 

“no. just… to be alone for a bit.” she doesn’t press, but she does pull him into a hug. he feels stiff and uncomfortable and awkward in her arms. she murmurs something that sounds reassuring before excusing herself. 

numbly, nagito finally stands up. he wants to take a shower so hot his skin blisters, wants to scrub his skin until it’s raw and cracking. but first, he thinks he just wants a soda. so he steps out, glancing around again, feeling like he’s being watched, before making his way to his favorite vending machine. 

* * *

enoshima-san slides into kamukura-kun’s lap, giggling all the while. 

“hey there, bunny-chan! whatcha thinkin about?” her eyes flash like a challenge. he’s not as good at her games as kamukura-kun is. he can’t predict her end goal, what she wants from him. he’s not already ten steps into the conversation. 

kamukura-kun is sitting still, staring straight ahead, expression blank as she plays with his hair like it’s her own. 

“i suppose i’m just wondering when my part will come into play.” he decides on finally, with a plastic, empty grin. just the way she likes him. 

“awwww so eager!” she knows he’s lying. one of her long, disgusting nails pokes him right on the tip of his nose. “it’s gonna be like, so  _ totally _ despair worthy! you’re gonna love it - it’ll haunt you  _ forever _ !” that isn’t the only thing about kirigiri-sensei that will haunt him forever. 

“soul clutching despair is the first step to a truly shining hope!” nagito replies, knowing full well it will irritate her. he watches her stroke kamukura-kun’s hair, watches her ghost fingers up and down his arm, wiggle her hips to sit in as close as she can. it’s nauseating. 

kamukura-kun remains entirely still. 

“you’re so predictable, you know that?” instead of her usual annoyance, it’s her bored voice, disappointed, accentuated with a pout. “this is a really big deal to me! this is the first step to having a successful killing school life!” she drapes herself back on kamukura-kun dramatically. “do you hear this? my own servant doesn’t even care!”

“tragic.” kamukura-kun’s voice is flat and unimpressed. 

enoshima-san huffs, but at least she goes quiet for the moment. 

* * *

“is that you, komaeda-senpai? oh my god! maybe  _ i’m _ the lucky one running into you out here!” enoshima-san is practically bouncing as the vending machine plays it’s little tune. “wow! did you just get an extra drink?” she looks at him, eyes sparkling and expectant.

“ah - um, yes. i did.” the irony isn’t lost on him. he still looks a mess, he’s sure, but he doesn’t have enough energy to mind. “do you like strawberry?” he asks, holding it out.

“uh, yeah! it’s like, my favorite! all the strawberry things are tooootally a- _ dor _ -able. they’re all pink and have the cutest designs!” she giggles, accepting the drink. he hears her acrylics tap against the side of the can. “wanna sit with me? i’ve  _ barely _ gotten to know you!”

nagito can’t think of a reason to say no, so he just nods his head. 

“so is it true that you’re, like, suspended? that’s totally crazy.” she pops the tab on the can as she sits on the bench, legs crossing. “if your talent was like, ultimate explosion guy, or, or like ultimate disruptor, you’d be passing the exam with flying colors!” she takes a long drink of the soda. he doesn’t know where she heard about it, but gossip travels fast, he supposes. 

“ah, yes, i’m afraid so! it’s not for too long, at least.” his lips twitch up at the corners. 

“they don’t, like, kick you out of the dorms, right? maybe we can hang out! that sounds  _ painfully _ boring. like total bullshit!” it’s nice, really, to hear some vindication on his behalf. it’s unusual, in all honesty. he decides that he thinks he likes enoshima-san. 

“i don’t know why you’d want to hang out with someone like me! but the company would be appreciated.” she grins, there’s something he can’t place behind it. 

“oh you’re too cute! of  _ course _ i wanna hang out with you, komaeda-senpai!” she throws an arm around his shoulders - an altogether unfamiliar gesture. it’s pleasant. “seriously, i think you’re kinda cool!” a wide grin stretches her ruby red lips and she tosses up a peace sign. 

“aha… we’ll see how long that lasts! but i appreciate it, enoshima-san.” his smile is meek, but it’s nicer than the deep frown he’d been carrying. or the neutral, empty expression. 

“i think we’re gonna be friends for a good, long time, komaeda-senpai.” something about her smile is sharper. something in her expression unreadable and unsettling. he puts it down to being exhausted, and instead listens to her chatter for the better part of an hour before they part ways. 

* * *

souda-kun jogs across the room, grinning wide and prideful. “alright! good to go!” he winks, giving enoshima-san a thumbs up. she collects herself from kamukura-kun’s lap, throwing arms up around souda-kun’s neck and leaving a loud, wet kiss on his cheek. 

“you’re the best! amazing! you deserve a  _ reward _ .” her voice drops to something sultry, a finger tracing down his chest. “so think about it, okay, souda?” he looks overwhelmed, thrown off, cheeks flushed deep red. 

“ha- i mean - u-uh i wouldn’t say n-no! but really i digged workin’ on this on it’s o-own!” souda-kun is stumbling over his words until enoshima-san places a finger over his lips. 

“just think about it. okay?” is all she says before turning her attention, laser sharp, right back to nagito. “now then, you’re up!” nagito blinks a few times, taking a moment to process what that means. he’s up? he’s up. it’s his turn. “do whatever you want, bunny-chan! just don’t kill him, okay? or knock him out!” nagito nods numbly a couple times. 

“right.” it takes another moment for him to stand up, taking a deep breath despite how shaky his legs are. 

* * *

enoshima-san is sprawled out on his bed, scrolling something or other on her phone. it’s still strange to have someone else in his space like this. she’s been asking about his classmates, what he thinks of them, what they’re like. talking about them only serves to remind him how isolated he’s been for months. did souda-kun finish that project? what’s the last animal tanaka-kun brought into class? has tsumiki-san gained a shred of confidence yet? if so, did saionji-san immediately rip it away?

“let’s order food!” her voice breaks his reverie, bringing him crashing back into the moment. 

“ah, if you’d like!” nagito smiles kindly at her. he wants to keep her happy. he wants her to keep thinking he’s valuable. he thinks that if he loses her attention, he might die, he might finally give in to the all encompassing sadness he’s been avoiding. 

“you’re the best, komaeda-senpai!” enoshima-san grins, jumping up to throw arms around him. he isn’t used to this, but he decides he doesn’t mind it. he misses being held. kirigiri-sensei still hasn’t contacted him. what did he mean by later?

* * *

he feels nauseous with anticipation as he makes his way to the center of the room, staying just out of sight a moment longer. he can see kirigiri-sensei, but kirigiri-sensei can’t see him. his whole body is trembling. he’s excited. he’s mortified. 

enoshima-san said he can do whatever he wants. 

finally, he steps into sight, watches quietly as kirigiri-sensei registers who’s standing in front of him. interesting, his eyes soften. does he think nagito is here to save him? he thinks about it, briefly, about untying his hands to see what would happen. but… they’d both die. 

“nagito?” it’s the clearest kirigiri-sensei has spoken since he woke. it brings a soft, almost nostalgic smile to nagito’s lips. he still feels the butterflies in his stomach.

“it’s me, jin.” he confirms. for once, he’s feeling… powerful. he stands a little straighter, feels the others’ eyes on his back. 

“what’s going on?” jin asks, scared, trembling. nagito grins.

* * *

after his suspension, enoshima-san spends more time around him - slowly meets the rest of his class. she’s such a social butterfly. nagito finds it admirable. 

he watches her flit around the classroom. watches her always come back to him. 

unfortunately, he still feels on the outside looking in. but that’s okay. someone like him isn’t meant to be part of this - he’s happy to help someone like enoshima-san make connections with the incredible people that make up his class! they’ll all help each other shine brighter and brighter, he just knows it. 

enoshima-san sits on his desk, tilts his chin up to look at her. “komaeda-senpai! you look so glum! how about we go get some ice cream, that’ll cheer you up.”

“that sounds nice, enoshima-san.” he’s grateful someone like her looks out for him. 

* * *

carefully, nagito steps forward. he savors it. ever so slowly, he makes his way into kirigiri-sensei’s lap, position familiar. his thighs straddle him, and he lets the tie fall between them, pooling there. his arms come up, around kirigiri-sensei’s neck. 

“are - are you with them?” kirigiri-sensei asks, voice dropping with fear. how gorgeous. 

“something like that.” one hand comes up to cradle kirigiri-sensei’s jaw. “enoshima-san was kind enough to let me say goodbye.” nagito says, leaning down to capture kirigiri-sensei’s lips with his own. kirigiri-sensei is pliant beneath him. some distant part of nagito thinks about the fact that this is pathetic. but does he really have any right to think so? another distant part of him realizes there’s wetness on his cheeks - he’s crying. that’s embarrassing. 

“g-goodbye? are they really..?” kirigiri-sensei’s eyes are wide with fear.

nagito smiles, and holds up the tie.

* * *

the first time he sees kamukura-kun is on camera. enoshima-san is in his room with him again, laid across his lap, editing a video on her laptop. 

it’s gruesome-  _ awful _ . but nagito can’t stop looking at kamukura-kun. the ultimate hope, she’d called him. and yet he’s part of something so despairing. he can only imagine the way something like this that could tear people apart or bring them together will do nothing but create greater and greater hopes - greater obstacles to overcome. 

“you’re basically drooling, bunny-chan.” she’s started calling him that recently. it feels patronizing, but he can’t help but just feel ecstatic that he has a nickname. “i can introduce you, if you really want. he’s a hoot!” 

“i think i’d like that, enoshima-san.” a nervous, tittering laugh leaves him. kamukura-kun is gorgeous. 

* * *

kirigiri-sensei is frozen in place as nagito loops the tie around the back of his head. 

“nagito…?”

“you were my hope, jin.” he lingers. he wants kirigiri-sensei to take in his features one last time. “you were my hope.” nagito repeats, voice wavering slightly before he begins to wrap the tie around and around until tucking the ends, so kirigiri-sensei can no longer see. 

he sees a few tears slip out from under the fabric. 

without saying another word, he removes himself from kirigiri-sensei’s lap and makes his way, dutifully, back to enoshima-san’s side.

she laughs, loud and clear. “that’s what you get! that’s what you get for kissing little boys, ya pervert!”

* * *

the first time enoshima-san locks a collar around his neck, he feels safe. finally, he has a place - a defined spot in the world. and he hates her. it’s wonderful. 

she tells him from that point on, he’s her servant. just for her. 

* * *

souda-kun is nearly bouncing out of his skin as he moves to the controls. enoshima-san finishes getting the cameras set up the way she wants them before taking her place in kamukura-kun’s lap. “this is gonna be  _ good _ .” she grins, thrumming with anticipation.

* * *

finally, the plan for the killing school life is in place. it will topple hope’s peak academy. enoshima-san seems threatened, however, by naegi-kun. a lucky boy. just like him. he wonders who makes naegi-kun feel special. he wonders if his luck will save him. he wonders if his luck is the true key to a sparkling hope. 

* * *

the door to the rocket swings shut, and then it’s in motion. it’s loud and bright and overwhelming. nagito can’t take his eyes off of it.

* * *

nagito’s heart thunders in his chest as enoshima-san hands the end of his chain to kamukura-kun. she said he needs babysitting while she does something important. he hopes kamukura-kun keeps him. he truly is so selfish. 

* * *

just as fast as the execution started, it’s over. the rocket crashes back down. 

enoshima-san is cackling, kamukura-kun remains still, and souda-kun is beaming with pride. nagito focuses on not throwing up.

* * *

enoshima-san’s red acrylics are terrible and long. he can’t take his eyes off of them. they’re hypnotizing. he has to wonder how she upkeeps them through her own crafted end of the world. then, they’re snapping in his face, reminding him to get fetch something for her. 

* * *

the door to the rocket falls open. the inside is gruesome, but all nagito sees is the pile of bones that clatter to the ground. 

* * *

he wants to kill her. he hates her.  _ he hates her _ . but she runs fingers through his hair and he can’t leave. he can only stay, her obedient lapdog, head in her lap while she discusses the kidnapping of kirigiri-sensei with ikusaba-san.

* * *

nagito is up from where he’s seated, not even aware he’s moving. his cheeks feel wet. it’s all distant, he can’t see anything but the cracked skull. kirigiri-sensei’s skull. he falls to his knees in front of it, picking it up with trembling hands, vision swimming.

and then he’s laughing. 

and he can’t stop. 

and he’s still crying. 

and he can’t stop. 


End file.
